Page 1 of 2

The things they say...

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 10:59 pm
by Gordon Neill
An important breakthrough has been made in combating global warming and saving the world for future generations of pop stars. Sheryl Crow has proposed that we should only use one square of toilet paper 'per visit'. Apart from 'those pesky occasions where two or three could be required'. ( ). At last we have someone with real vision and is clearly bright enough to deal with issues such as:

Who will police the use of one square? Will an armed police officer have to be stationed in every cubicle? Or will CCTV cameras be installed?

Who will decide when a situation is 'pesky' and the use of two or three squares is justified? Could it go all the way to the European Court of Human Rights?

Will legislation have to be passed to prevent manufacturers making each square the size of a pillowcase?

Will the use of pillowcases need to be tightly monitored?

How will we control the cheats from making frequent small visits, rather than just the one large one?

Sheryl is clearly on a bit of a roll (sorry). In addition to the toilet roll breakthrough, she has also designed clothes with detachable sleeves which can washed seperately. These can be used to wipe ones mouth while dining and save the horrendous paper napkin wastage. They can also be worn on visits to the toilet....

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:05 pm
by Dayna
I heard this yesterday on the news & I was thinking the same things!

Great minds think alike

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:11 pm
by Gordon Neill
Even the bit about the pillowcases?

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:16 pm
by Dayna
I thought about the part of the police officer or a camera to monitor how much toilet paper we use. I said that to my Mother today, when i told her about it. LOL!

An apology

PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2007 11:20 pm
by Gordon Neill
By the way, I'd just like to apologise for the incorrect spelling of 'separately'. Sorry.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 10:19 am
by Des
Bring back Izal medicated.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 7:32 pm
by Gordon Moore
This has all the makings of a great movement.

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 10:17 pm
by Des
You're just going through the motions etc.

the doughnut in granny's greenhouse

PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2007 10:37 pm
by Gordon Neill
C'mon guys. You're gonna have to speed things up. Flushed with success.... taking the plunge..... making a splash.... making an appearance at the super bowl...... making crappy albums.... taking the piss..... C'mon, hurry up. I'm bursting'!

A calm Scot swears at oaths of allegience

PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 8:43 pm
by Gordon Neill
Another insertion of foot in mouth caught my attention today. Lord Goldsmith, unelected chum of Tony Blair (no, you don't need to be elected to be a chum of Tony's, just wealthy) has proposed that British teenagers should swear an oath of allegiance to the Queen.

At last, we have a much cheaper option to providing a high quality education system accessible to all, or ending social inequality. Just a few questions spring to mind:

What happens to those surly youths who refuse to swear at the Queen? Do they get expelled? Where to?

I didn't vote for the Queen. Will these surly youths have to put up with me as well?

Will this make them even more surly?

What happens if they do swear allegiance, but then change their mind when they grow up?

Will there be a check to ensure that youths who swear allegiance are sincere and not just saying whatever happens to be convenient? (Known as the 'Tony Blair Test')

Would Freddie Mercury be an acceptable alternative?

Are British people not allowed to be republicans? Was Oliver Cromwell Spanish or something? What about Benjamin Zephaniah, Jo Brand, Mark steel, Tony Benn (er... ignore that last one, it might weaken my argument)

Will the Queen be swearing allegiance to me, personally? What if she doesn't?

Anyway, why is she known as Elizabeth the Second? I can't remember any other British monarch called Elizabeth.

Swearing oaths of allegiance to a monarch or supreme being seems distinctly un-British to me. Should Lord Goldsmith be expelled? Who would accept him?

PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 8:45 pm
by Gordon Neill
Er.... I hope the above hasn't marred my chances of being included in the New Year honours list. I'm willing to behave myself for an OBE.

USA election: latest bulletin (geddit?)

PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 12:07 am
by Gordon Neill
I see that Hilary Clinton has come up with an interesting word. Anxious to show that she has experience in sorting out difficult issues, she claimed to have survived sniper fire, while sprinting from her plane in Bosnia in 1996. Obama Lama's had to put up with a fair bit of sniping, but nothing as impressive as this. Unfortunately, it turns out that (a) she wasn't hit, and (b) there's footage showing her sauntering across the tarmac and managing to smile while a little girl read her a poem. (Actually, that's possibly braver than putting up with sniper fire).

It turns out, however, that she wasn't lying. She explained that "I did misspeak the other day." Interesting word, 'misspeak'. I think it means lying without inhaling. Or not having relations with the truth.

Hilary coming under sustained sniper fire, while an anxious public looks on helplessly.

PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:26 am
by Tom McPhillips
I may be misspeaking here, but "misspeak" is a common US word over here. It can cover the whole gamut from Downright Lie to Freudian Slip. The great advantage of a word like this is that its use attaches absolutely no blame to the speaker whatever the blunder.

As in: "Did you really kill all those Jews Mr Hitler?" "No sir, I simply misspoke and someone unfortunately misinterpreted my orders and carried them out..."

PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:13 am
by c hristian

Trigger happy?

PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 10:01 am
by Gordon Neill
Well yes, I suppose there is a risk of making cultural assumptions. Two nations separated by a common Atlantic Ocean, and all that. Certainly, 'misspoke' is not a word that I've heard before. Instinctively, I assume a politician is lying whenever their lips move, so I might have been doing Hilary a disservice. Possibly, she wasn't lying and she just made the whole thing up. Alternatively, 'sniper fire' could also mean 'child's poem'. I'm not sure what to think anymore. (l:-) It would just be nice to have a politician who could mislie for a change.