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Imam Baildi

PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 11:08 am
by Gordon Neill

A new mutant strain of music has emerged which has proved to be highly contagious in Greece. Imam Baildi, named bizarrely after an aubergine recipe, has been rampant in the Greek pop charts for the past two years but, so far, has been dormant in other parts of the world. Experiment carried out to ascertain the susceptibility of the British public to this new musical virus.


Controlled experiment carried out to establish how infectious Imam Baildi is within the general population.

Subject was white Caucasian, female, and with no history of mental illness or liking unusual music. Analysis of musical tastes showed significant levels of soul and Beatles. Traces of Britney were present, but well within the normal range. Subject had no hearing impairment, promptly and consistently answering ‘what?’ when asked if deaf. Visual check carried to ensure that subject was not wearing balaclava or earplugs.

Subject placed in a motor vehicle and driven around for 2 hours with Imam Baildi being played loudly. Subject not given CD cover to play with and only provided with information about the Imam Baildi virus in response to direct questions.


Experiment commenced with playing of track 1. Subject immediately enquired if it was ‘foreign stuff’ that was being played. On being assured that ‘no, not really, well sort of I suppose if you’re not Greek’ she relaxed and reverted to normal modes of behaviour, talking loudly about the weather, flicking through other CD cases, and turning up the air conditioning to full blast.

By track 2, ‘De Thelo Pia Na Xanartheis’, subject was showing early signs of confusion, asking if it was ‘Mexican stuff’. This may have been due to the start of the song sounding like Mexican stuff.

Clear signs of hallucination were present during track 4, ‘Pasatempos’. A form of palsy was observed, with noticeable tapping of toes and visible strumming of fingers. While inaudible over the sound of car engine, clear indications of humming taking place. Subject muttered that it was ‘quite good, really’ and asked for some more ‘Pasatempos’. Request was refused in order to maintain integrity of clinical trial.

Subject showed increasing signs of addiction until track 6. 1 minute and 31 seconds into ‘To Minore Tis Avgis’ there was a horrendously out-of-tune screeching noise. Subject noticeably flinched and was in some distress. It was quickly established that screeching noise came from CD and not subject. With some difficulty in operating the CD player, due to severe wincing, the rest of track was skipped. [note to self: must check if Greek ears are made of less-sensitive material than those of normal people – may provide cheap source of material for space shuttle heat shields].

Despite this brief rally, subject then quickly relapsed. ‘Xena Heria’ is an instrumental virus, but is still clearly being played in Greek. Despite this, subject reverted to toe tapping and humming behaviours. By the time that ‘Dymeni San Arhodissa’ was finished, subject was showing alarming signs of addiction, asking for track to be played again and even looking at CD cover and trying to pronounce song title.

Imam Baildi had taken hold so strongly that even the weird hip-hop sound effects of ‘Poso Lypamai’ did not alert subject to her condition and the imminent danger to her musical taste.

On completion of CD, subject was told music was Greek, with old rembetika vocals and backing, blended with modern drums, bass and guitars. A brief history of rembetika was about to be communicated when subject changed the subject, but was still herself. Asked for CD to be played again, at which point, with little empirical evidence on the virulence of this music and the extent to which it could permanently modify the subject’s musical taste, experiment had to be halted for health and safety concerns.


Imam Baildi appears to be a highly infectious strain of music, particularly to broad-minded individuals where anything can wander in and settle. It may be highly dangerous to those with narrow minds, stretching their imagination beyond breaking point and making their eyes bulge.

Fortunately, it is extremely difficult to come into contact with Imam Baildi. Members of the public simply need to take some commonsense measures:
1. Do not visit Trehantiri Music at 365-367 Green Lanes, Haringay, London, N4 1DY or type
2. Do not attempt to download mp3 viruses from ... 496&sr=8-1
3. Avoid listening to radio shows such as World on 3 where these viruses are rampant.
4. Do not, in any circumstances, visit
5. Beware of Greeks bearing gifts
6. Just stick with what you know and you’ll be fine.

There is no need to panic. It is clear that Imam Baildi responds to standard music industry measures to sterilise and neutralise its musical virulence. Already on the bonus CD, the Imam Baildi strain shows signs of mutating into something more benign and predictable, with some weak versions now appearing, using raps and DJ remixes. Don’t worry, everything will be fine again soon.



PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 11:41 am
by Rob Hall
Brilliant Gordon, well done. Can't wait to get infected.

Re: Imam Baildi

PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:09 pm
by Charlie
Gordon Neill wrote:Subject was white Caucasian, female, and with no history of mental illness or liking unusual music.

Makes me wonder what chance your roving reporter might run into a disappointed TV contestant in a nearby vet's surgery.

PostPosted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 2:35 pm
by Gordon Neill
Charlie asked:

what chance?

If you're referring to Susan 'Hairy Angel' Boyle, none whatsoever. I've (very quickly) passed through her home town of Blackburn. It's a scary place. Of course, I'd be willing to reconsider if you're brave enough to open up your Radio 3 show with her singing that song from The Miserables.

PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 1:24 pm
by Charlie
Rob Hall wrote:Brilliant Gordon, well done.


I confess that I had to read it twice to appreciate its sophistication.

I wonder if it allowed to propose candidates for this treatment? I wish I had a copy of the Group Doueh album to spare.